Favourite 'tweets'

by **Ivan** Thu Jan 26, 2012 5:23 pm

For those of us who use 'Twitter', I thought it might be worth having a thread to share some of the interesting tweets we come across. Here are three that I've read today:-

Nick Clegg says "families are at boiling point". Well you put the gas under them, Clegg!

When a man talks dirty to a woman its sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man its $3.95 a minute.

No income tax, no VAT
No points last week off Man City
The future’s grim, he's looking pale
Harry Redknapp’s off to jail.

by oftenwrong Thu Jan 26, 2012 5:42 pm

Harry Redknapp's excuse is totally credible, he says he's not clever enough to deceive HMRC.

by **Ivan** Fri Jan 27, 2012 12:53 am

Who let Gove escape from 'The Beano'?

I have serious concerns that the Black Death in the 14th century was faked by lazy poor people for the benefits.

Outrage mounts at lollipop ladies' £1m bonuses.

If your wife wants to learn to drive, dont stand in her way.

by **Ivan** Fri Feb 03, 2012 1:42 pm

"Tories haven't just crossed the line - they've urinated on it, picked it up and are using it as a skipping rope" (Sue Perkins, 'News Quiz')

Republicans want smaller government for the same reason crooks want fewer cops: it's easier to get away with murder.

"Cold weather could kill thousands." Good news for Tories - no doubt Osborne will praise undertakers for putting some growth in the economy.

Chris Huhne's ex-wife to replace John Terry as England captain. Apparently she's good at taking penalties.

"The test of a good and strong society is how we look after the most vulnerable, the most frail and the poorest" (D. Cameron, April 2010)

by **Ivan** Sun Feb 05, 2012 3:44 pm

Am I the only person who uses 'Twitter'? Sad

Huhne will swear to tell truth, whole truth and nothing but truth in court. Who's going to believe him with his party's track record?

Osborne announces that 10cm of snow and a shortage of lemons for Pancake Day has plunged the UK into recession.

Fiddle your benefits and you go to prison. Fiddle your expenses and you get to return to the cabinet.

by oftenwrong Sun Feb 05, 2012 5:10 pm

" Fiddle your expenses and you get to return to the cabinet."

Or return to the House of Lords, as the case may be.

by **Ivan** Wed Feb 15, 2012 11:10 pm

Funny when Cameron's dad was touting graduate son to prospective employers he didn't approach Tesco and offer Dave's services for free.

Banker, nurse, Tory & Daily Mail reader have 10 buns. Banker eats 9. Tory tells Daily Mail reader: "Watch out, that nurse is after your bun."

"Real knowledge is to know the extent of one's ignorance."
Confucius

Before Cameron’s job interview with the Tories, a caller from Buckingham Palace said: "I am ringing to say you are about to meet a truly remarkable young man."

Give a man a gun and he can rob a bank. Give a man a bank and he can rob the world blind.

There are more people who think Elvis is still alive (8%) than admit they vote Lib Dem (7%).

by **Ivan** Tue Feb 21, 2012 11:20 pm

A politician is a person who hangs about to see which way people are moving and then runs in front shouting "follow me".

"What did you do when they were taking the NHS apart, Granny?"

Antony Worrall Thompson’s tip for Pancake Day. Take eggs, milk, flour and butter – and then run like hell.

Why would you bother to write a new series of ‘The Thick Of It’ when the real government announces Eric Pickles' ‘Big Lunch’?

by **Ivan** Sun Feb 26, 2012 1:31 am

There are only three kinds of people; people who can count and people who can't.

You can lead a conservative to water, but he'll want to privatise it and let everyone else die of thirst.

A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin.

Cameron and his fellow vermin are a poisonous and corrupt bunch who should be kept as far from power as a naked flame from petrol.

A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.

Workfare causes unemployment. Take away the free labour and you have to employ someone to do that work.

Deciding to avoid the ‘Sun on Sunday’. Sticking with good old Andrex. (tweeted by John Prescott)

‘Sun on Sunday’ readers have to pay fifty pence but the editor only has to pay a few coppers.

by **Ivan** Tue Mar 06, 2012 1:41 am

The last person to be as scared as Lansley is of seeing a doctor had Harold Shipman as their GP.

Overheard in cafe - large man eating cake: "My body's a temple. But I'm an atheist".

Met Police so corrupt they are to be shut down completely and relaunched as the Police on Sunday.

Before you criticise someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way you're a mile away, and you have their shoes too.

Calling David Starkey a historian is like calling John Redwood an earthling.

I was in Homebase looking at the garden furniture and an assistant asked me if I wanted decking. Luckily, I got the first punch in.

If you never plan to get married, none of the sex you have is premarital.

Liam Fox wants to sack "useless public sector workers". I want to jail dishonest, opportunistic, dodgy, cabinet ministers.

Never argue with idiots, they will bring you down to their level and then beat you with experience.

So Cameron is prepared for a hit is he? Where's Eric Joyce when you need him?

I keep asking myself how a minority government, whose manifesto lied so comprehensively, can be allowed to continue doing this to us?

I also keep asking myself how any people can tolerate having their democracy so treated with so much contempt by so few?

Engelbert Humperdinck talks more sense than David Starkey; why not put Engelbert on BBCQT and Starkey in Eurovision?

My bill for Council Tax has a breakdown of spending. Education, roads, libraries, loan of horses to former newspaper editors etc

So having been outraged that the public didn't have access to the square in front of St Paul's, the authorities have now closed it off.

Meryl Streep has won an Oscar for impersonating a British Prime Minister. So when will David Cameron receive his?

by **Ivan** Sun Mar 11, 2012 2:54 pm

Good job Lib Dems are in coalition. Otherwise Tories would have made university cost £9,000 a year and dismantled NHS.

A pound coin was thrown onto the pitch at Ibrox. Police are trying to determine whether it was a missile or a takeover bid.

The Camerons claimed DLA for their son though they are both multimillionaires. Cutting it for the 99% is Olympic levels of hypocrisy.

Jeffrey Archer is against gay marriage. That makes us even, as I'm against convicted criminals.

'Nick Clegg goes after the super-rich' just means he walks a respectful four paces behind Cameron at all times.

"I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here." (Arthur C. Clarke)

Chief Coroner records verdict of electoral suicide in relation to death of Liberal Democrats.

by **Phil Hornby** Sun Mar 11, 2012 4:30 pm

" A pound coin was thrown onto the pitch at Ibrox. Police are trying to determine whether it was a missile or a takeover bid."

I think we can be assured that it was one of two accidentally dropped by a passing Glaswegian , since as he bent to catch the second one , it hit him on the back of the neck...

by trevorw2539 Mon Mar 12, 2012 12:01 am

Quote Phil

I think we can be assured that it was one of two accidentally dropped by a passing Glaswegian , since as he bent to catch the second one , it hit him on the back of the neck

Is that the Glaswegian who flew to Australia because his £2 was worth more there.

by **Ivan** Tue Mar 20, 2012 10:14 pm

"Years from now you’ll have to explain to children what the NHS was. Then you’ll have to explain what a Lib Dem was." (Lord Owen)

David Cameron warns of a lawless, feral underclass but thinks his government is above the law and won’t publish the Risk Register.

Don't forget the clocks go back 65 years later this week.

If you play a Boris Johnson speech backwards you get messages from the devil. Worse, if you play it forwards you get Boris.

Republicans love war so much they’ve declared it on half the US population.

Let us make a pledge that the Tories are not welcome in our country ever again. The Vikings did less damage.

Happy Mother's Day from the Tory government. We are cutting your childcare, tax credits, pay and support. Because we care. About ourselves.

Conservatives say Palin is the one with a spine; too bad it isn't attached to a brain.

Welcome to Tory Britain. Let's drag everyone down to the lowest level of pay and conditions, unless of course you're a banker in the City.

The smoke emerging from Clarence House is nothing to do with selecting a new Archbishop of Canterbury, it's Camilla's mid morning cigar.

Labour caused the total collapse of Lehman Brothers, by employing record numbers of doctors, nurses, teachers and policemen.

"Noisy and ugly?" Wind turbines or Janet Street Porter?

I don't think ‘Daily Mail’ readers should be allowed to marry. It's not natural.

Tories want a return to mixed wards. This time the mix is between the rich private patients and, if they are lucky, the very ill poor.

I can't think of anything more shameful than being a Lib Dem. Tories have awful principles, but Lib Dems have no principles.

The morons have bought one a jubilee stained glass window. A stained glass sodding window. What part of ‘crate of gin’ wasn't clear?

Why is it considered good for the Falkland Islanders, but bad for the Scots, to have the right of self-determination?

Tory privatisation list: Mon: roads. Tues: rain. Wed: small dogs. Thurs: sex. Fri: moons of Jupiter. Sat: daffodils. Sun: grannies.

"Selling the family silver." This mob are well past that. They're ripping up floorboards and tearing off wallpaper.

If the Archbishop of Canterbury is to be replaced, should this not now be put out to tender?

“How can wealth persuade poverty to use its political freedom to keep wealth in power? That's the whole art of Tory politics.” (Aneurin Bevan)

by **Ivan** Fri Mar 23, 2012 12:02 am

The Tories have gone from 'hug a hoodie' to 'mug a granny'.

Tory MP Oliver Letwin in 2005: “There will be no NHS within 5 years of a Conservative election victory.” So why are you so surprised?

Tax avoidance is a moral issue. If you avoid tax, you're immoral by character; why would you stop just because of a 5% cut?

"Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives." (John Stuart Mill)

How history repeats itself: "Drifting, abandoned, no people on board" - Mary Celeste (December 1872), Liberal Democrat Party (June 2015).

Just been to the doctor. I've got to have a Lansley removed.

"I have always found evolution to be by far the most persuasive account of our origins. Creation is more why than how." (Rev Richard Coles)

Tories would rob their own grannies to give a £40k a year tax cut to millionaires. In fact they just have.

David Davis says never pay a ransom. Unless it is to the rich who are threatening to leave the country.

"Osborne is not Robin Hood, he's the Sheriff of Nottingham. And when it comes to jobs and growth, he doesn't give a Friar Tuck." (Ed Balls)

by **Ivan** Mon Apr 02, 2012 2:04 pm

A carpetbagger is a political candidate in an area where they have no local connections. In Cameron's case that would refer to 21st century Britain.

Have I got this right? The Tories and Lib Dems want to see all our emails but wouldn't publish the NHS Risk Register?

The government is to start monitoring everyone's phone calls, texts and emails, taking over from News International.

56% of the people who voted for George Galloway in Bradford thought they were expelling him from Big Brother.

So the government wants to monitor all telephone calls? First time they've seemed prepared to listen to anyone.

"Most effective way to restrict democracy is to transfer decision-making from public arena to unaccountable institutions: kings and princes, priestly castes, military juntas, party dictatorships, modern corporations.” (Noam Chomsky)

Boris Johnson's knife crime failure - up 16% over 3 years, despite everything the Tory Mayor promised.

Looking forward to campaigning against government snooping when David Davis calls another by-election to defend civil liberties! (John Prescott)

Curious that the far right want to drive objectionable people out of Britain. Have they looked in a mirror recently?

I live in Bradford. I suggest Galloway won because a community that felt that it had no voice reached for a human megaphone.

I knew Eton Mess was a dessert, but I did not realise it was also a style of government.

Mr Maude's words have been blown out of proportion. Rather like my garage door after I dropped a match.

Did someone tell Cameron that there would be an idiot shortage and so he's stockpiled a prime selection in his cabinet?

From our new pasty tax we're set to gain an estimated £3.2m in tax revenue from Eric Pickles alone.

“He is richest who is content with the least, for content is the wealth of nature.” (Socrates)

Socrates played football? No wonder they gave him hemlock. Probably spent too long debating the offside rule.

Private dinner with Cameron and Osborne? Meet with two vegetables.

“Government is incompetent, arrogant, extreme right wing and corrupt.” (Gerald Kaufman)

Isn’t it time for Francis Maude to carry the can?

"Transparency, sunlight, fresh air, is the best disinfectant." (Cameron, in 2009)

When ‘Unite’ give the Labour Party £5m it's not from some tax exile businessman. It's from thousands of ordinary willing people.

David Cameron is the world's first pay-per-view Prime Minister.

It doesn't take a genius to guess Cameron's plan: Starve hospitals of money. Say they're not working. Sell them to private health companies.

I doubt minimum alcohol pricing would have stopped the Bullingdon Club smashing up restaurants. (John Prescott)

David Cameron warns it is no longer acceptable that “beer is cheaper than water”. Tories shouldn't have privatised the water companies then.

by oftenwrong Mon Apr 02, 2012 5:18 pm

Stop! Stop! This is cruelty to dumb animals!

by Blamhappy Tue Apr 03, 2012 4:36 pm

@RupertMurdochPR

BREAKING: James Murdoch said he has "no recollection" of resigning as #BSkyB chairman one hour ago.

by oftenwrong Tue Apr 03, 2012 5:35 pm

Undermined by the staff yet again!

by Blamhappy Tue Apr 03, 2012 5:47 pm

@marcuschown
How about the Church forgetting gay marriage & atheists and standing up for something important like the assault on the NHS and the poor ?

@HylandIan
All we need now is for iPhones to start playing up and we'll have the dream headline: Apple and Blackberry crumble #bbm

@wossy
Mentioned my desire to lose weight to my daughter Honey and she replied " But Dad, you have a lovely, curvy, hourglass figure!"

@JCHC001
@chrisbreakfast An elephant walks up to a naked guy and asks .."How do you breathe out of that thing?" ;-)
In reply to Chris Hollins

@CatFoodBreath
A dog will drop everything and come when you call. Cats check their schedule and think about fitting you in.

@SamIam77
Massive thanks to @johnprescott. Since your RT of mine at the weekend my followers have rocketed from 27 to... 26?? Hold on a minute.

@Aiannucci
I hope Andy Coulson is going to be rushed through the courts, to send out a strong message.

@SallyCantDance
Turkish and Asian groups have stood up to & chased off rioters. Bloody immigrants. Coming over here, defending our boroughs & communities.

@speedyb
I got kicked out of the bookstore today. Apparently I wasn't allowed to move Kate McCann's book into the murder mystery section.

by Adele Carlyon Fri Apr 13, 2012 10:04 pm

Here are mine...god I'm dreading this! If any of my favorites seem ridiculous, I'm going to blame it on the drink! lol

@AdeleCarlyon Conservative Toff, to you my hat I doff, spin like a smoke screen, best I've ever seen, passing policies that are just obscene

@AdeleCarlyon @DrEoinClarke The media swine have private health cover. They also dodge taxes by being paid through companies in tax havens.

Well done Tony Bennett. Some progress made.At least a FAIR and judicial trial is now possible. #McCanns

Tory tory sitting on high,lots of fingers in lots of pies,while ordinary folk scrimp to get by! Same old tories,lie,lie,lie! #toryliars

Anyone not got the Tory message yet, don't grow old, ill, be disabled, be a woman, a child, working class,in fact anything but rich.Got it ?

We're gonna establish a fone bank 2 target marginal Tory MPs in the run up 2 NHS vote on 22-Feb. We must fight this with everythin we've got

@tom_watson - #LaLa's Bill should be shoved sideways up his fundament and then set on fire, with no access to #A&E afterwards.

Being @ messaged by Stephen Hester supporters. Tories, obvs. Awwww - I think the guy can get by on £1.2m salary. Get real!!

@theJeremyVine 'Paltry little lives' - Nina Myskow you stupid stupid woman. the McCann's got away with it because they were middle-class

"Editor helped chancellor manipulate news." http://bit.ly/r6n5UN (definitely worth a read).

The govt cave in to nadine dorries on abortions is completely misguided, counter-factual and will lead to even later terminations.

UK MP Nadine Dorries is I am a misogynist of the Day for her health bill amendment which will limit a woman's right to choose. http://bit.ly/cFK35R

by **Ivan** Sat Apr 14, 2012 12:29 am

“Sad to see so many Christians obsessed with others' sexuality. Concern better directed to fidelity, purity and loving kindness.” (Jill Segger)

Feel sick seeing Cameron beside Aung San Suu Kyi in Burma. He could learn from her about empathy for country and people.

Notice that Willetts is on the Far East junket with Dave. If you have two brains does that mean you have zero conscience?

Thanks to those who helped me find the English translation of 'mucho'. It means a lot.

So much stuff about the Titanic! Movies, TV shows, endless newspaper articles, and that's just the tip of the...oh wait.

Only thing more boring than other people's ancestors are other people's ancestors on a bleeding cruise.

Rumour has it that the North Korea missile ran out of fuel due to British jerry can hoarding.

North Koreans can’t even launch a missile successfully. Yet it’s not as if it’s rocket science.

Looter who set fire to furniture store given eleven and a half years jail. He doesn't have to pay for his crime for the first twelve months.

You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they're going.

Lib Dems are an endangered species like giant pandas. The difference is that people want to save the pandas.

A successful NHS is the death warrant for the private healthcare industry. That’s why private sector wanted the Health and Social Care Act.

Not surprised Cameron's unable to tell the difference between Leeds and Liverpool. He's the same with arse and elbow.

Boris calls the Fare Deal “codswallop”. The last thing he called codswallop was the allegation of phone hacking.

Farage is ‘The Daily Mail’ made flesh and UKIP is the political wing of a Home Counties golf club.

It's likely the legislation will pass largely unchanged, but with the Lib Dems extracting important concessions over typeface and font size.

Two boats full of rich kids sailing past a man floating in the water is the perfect analogy for the Coalition and the working class.

Describing voluntarily training for a fairly prestigious, televised sporting event as "seven months of hell" makes you look a bit silly.

None of the Cabinet will benefit from change in top rate of tax, as it does not apply to Belize, Monaco or the Caymans.

Hitler stated that the disabled were a burden on society it couldn't afford. Cameron said welfare bill cannot be afforded by society today.

I often confuse UKIP with KP. One produces nuts and the other sells them.

Must have been a nightmare before ‘Facebook’, having to ring all your friends to tell them what you're having for dinner.

How annoying! Getting an election flyer from the Lib Dems just after changing the cat litter tray.

It's amazing that people so fervently opposed to evolution can be so firmly in favour of Social Darwinism.

"We must reduce workers salaries and take away their right to strike." (Hitler, 1933) Sound familiar?

You know you're at Old Trafford when the opposition goalkeeper gets sent off for handball.

David Cameron insists senior Lib Dems were "round the table" when government surveillance plans were drawn up. He's even got CCTV footage.

My Lib Dem MP told me he promised the NHS would always be free at the point of entry. I replied: "So is Claridges".

When Boris Johnson agreed to publish his tax affairs for the press, he didn't realise there was a comma between tax and affairs.

The working class can be manipulated to cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.

‘The Evening Standard’ is so far up Boris's arse, you can read the headlines when he opens his mouth.

Is austerity self defeating? Well who's ever heard of an unemployed man paying off his debts?

by **Ivan** Fri May 04, 2012 12:03 am

"Rick Santorum has resigned from the presidential race to spend more time in the 18th century." (Sandi Toksvig)

Edwina Currie suggested that fat people be banned from TV as they're bad role models. Shouldn't the same apply to Tories?

Wonder if the makers of ‘Monopoly’ have considered updating? An ‘It's All Labour's Fault’ card could replace ‘Get Out Of Jail Free’.

200 years ago, Boris Johnson would have died leading a cavalry charge into a volcano.

"Fornication is the most likely cause of unwanted pregnancies", claims rocket scientist.

It’s BBC ‘Question Time’ again (unless you're reading this from the Home Office, when you'll probably swear blind it was on last night).

Dennis Skinner (some years ago): "Half the Tories opposite are crooks." After being told to retract: "Half the Tories opposite aren’t crooks.”

Cameron’s government is Monty Python without the laughs, set in Downton Abbey and with the same ending as the other Cameron’s ‘Titanic’.

“On the occasions when Boris's buffoon mask slips, you catch a glimpse of a truly ruthless, boorish, blinkered, over-privileged thug.” (Marcus Brigstocke)

David Cameron still has full confidence in Theresa May, as does Abu Qatada.

Lib Dems are like the titan arum, a plant which is dormant for 30 years, flowers briefly then gives off a huge stink.

"You're a f***ing liar." Presumably a phrase Boris Johnson picked up from his wife.

Cameron says he wants to make Britain better for "decent, hard-working people". Does that description not include the 6.5million trade unionists?

“When posh boys are in trouble, they sack the servants.” (Dennis Skinner)

When asked about Philip Green, Cameron says he won’t comment on individual tax cases. Yet he's been happy to talk about Ken Livingstone.

Fraser Nelson: "Government is dealing with the debt in the way that the late George Best dealt with drink.”

When Michael Gove was a child, he played in a sand pit and a cat tried to cover him over.

“It’s the Tories who have put the ‘n’ into cuts.” (Sandi Toksvig)

James Murdoch has again confirmed that he did not read own emails, even though News Corporation has been happily reading other people's.

If Cable was taken off media regulation for some ill-chosen words at his MP surgery, why hasn't Hunt cleared his desk already?

Thank goodness slashing benefits, shutting libraries, raising tuition fees and selling out the NHS has saved the economy from double-dip recession, eh?

Eric Pickles has a backside so large you could screen 'Gone With The Wind' on it and still have room for a 500-piece jigsaw.

The Bullingdon Club is the toff version of the Hell's Angels. It’s just that the Hell's Angels don't go on to run the country.

Probably the only time that Cameron has ever told the truth was when he admitted that Gripper Stebson from ‘Grange Hill’ was his role model.

Each time I think "Yep, I know the Tory I despise the most", up pops another despicable moron to make me reconsider.

"Jeremy Hunt didn't have a clue what his employee was doing with a company Hunt rebukes for not knowing what their employees were doing." (Armando Iannucci)

George Osborne is set to coach the Olympic diving team on how to jump head-first into an empty pool, climb out, then dive back in again.

Polly Toynbee is right that the people who moan about contraception for youngsters are the same people who moan about teen and single mums.

Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent. Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent.

This is the greenest government ever that Cameron promised us, but the green is just mould, completely rotten.

Ed Balls: “If Cameron spent as much energy defending ordinary people's jobs as Jeremy Hunt's, we'd all be better off.”

Urologists pissed off with Cameron's NHS changes. Dermatologists say the changes are rash. Ophthalmologists say his ideas are short-sighted.

Queen quashes rumours that she is having a 'surface to heir' battery installed at Buckingham Palace.

by Shirina Fri May 04, 2012 12:28 am

Dennis Skinner (some years ago): "Half the Tories opposite are crooks." After being told to retract: "Half the Tories opposite aren’t crooks.”

by oftenwrong Fri May 04, 2012 11:51 am

I've pinched Nick Clegg's office chair to have a nap on; that's another seat he's lost... by Number10cat via twitter 9:57 AM

Like horse racing, I think whoever doesn't win the elections should be shot. It's only fair. by geandonion via twitter 8:38 AM

Nottingham has voted "No" to having a mayor. They're holding out for a sheriff. by ScottFilmCritic via twitter 8:37 AM

Judging by the turnout all three main political parties lost. by christheneck via twitter 8:35 AM

Favourite 'tweets' 5b788b80-8d2d-4630-af68-a7fe007de52f_500

Favourite 'tweets' 5b788b80-8d2d-4630-af68-a7fe007de52f_500

by **Ivan** Fri May 04, 2012 2:16 pm

Let's withdraw from Afghanistan and have the army invade the USA - that's the only way we'll get new schools and roads.

People all over Britain are hunting for fragments of the Lib Dem Party after last night’s meteorite landing.

I wonder if Cameron’s denial of Tory deal with Murdoch is as believable as “no top down re-organisation of the NHS” promise?

Nick Clegg says: “I’m sad”. Most of us have known that for quite a while.

Strange that a boarding school head is blaming the reduction of family meals for a decline in social skills.

“Cameron & Hunt's defence that this was the work of rogue employee was also used successfully by Murdoch for the News of the World.” (John Prescott)

“I think this government would restore, paraphrasing Mrs Alexander's deathless hymn, the rich man in his castle and the poor man at his gate.” (Rev Richard Coles)

Saying "gays have civil partnerships, they don't need marriage" is like saying "black people are on the bus, they don't need to sit up front."

“Jeremy Hunt has the look of a person who knows he's safe because his boss has more to hide on this issue than he does.” (Sonia Poulton)

"We have seen no evidence that Jeremy Hunt acted improperly," declare the International Council of Blindfolded Ostriches.

Ex-wife said that sex with fatty Soames was "like having a wardrobe fall on you, with the little key sticking out."

Louise Mensch defends Rupert Murdoch, who owns Harper Collins, who publish Tilly Bagshawe, whose sister is Louise Mensch. Small world.

Apparently, when you make border staff redundant, it takes longer to do all the border checks. Who ever who would have known that, eh?

Clegg says voters are "listening to Lib Dems again". Yes, and hating every damn word.

“George Osborne has been educated beyond his intelligence." (Dennis Skinner)

by **Ivan** Thu May 10, 2012 4:30 pm

Perfectly reasonable for Cameron to ask Labour what they would do in his shoes, but a more pertinent question might be, what would he have done in theirs?

Save the £23 entrance fee to the Eden Project by simply putting your head in bubble wrap and walking round any garden centre.

"I don't have anything against posh, but I do have a problem when arrogance is mixed with privilege and bad manners." (Nadine Dorries)

Did you post that comment for a bet? It's quite remarkable to see such an example of depressingly ill-informed ignorance and stupidity compressed into so few words.

“Any hope of restoring honesty in politics went when Boris was narrowly re-elected on the dung-heap of propaganda and lies of The Evening Standard.” (Paul Flynn MP)

If you were on trial for bank robbery but had entirely forgotten you had committed the crime, would that make you innocent?

"Look after unemployment and the budget will look after itself." (John Maynard Keynes)

Jim Murphy has a nice line about the government putting more police on the streets by getting them to stage a demo.

If bin Laden wanted to escape justice, he should have sought refuge on Wall Street.

“When the power of love overcomes the love of power, the world will know peace.” (Jimi Hendrix)

SDP was finally doomed when it lost to the Monster Raving Loony Party. The Lib Dems just lost to a penguin...

If the Tories were to move any further right, they might as well replace their scribble tree with a swastika.

Monarchy is enshrinement of the principle that accident of birth and vast wealth count more than intelligence and hard work.

"People don't strike because they are bored, they strike because they are left with no choice." (Sonia Poulton)

The Tories are keeping the economy on life support while they harvest its organs.

Whilst Cameron retreats from marriage equality, Obama openly promotes his support for such. Sad time for equality in UK when outdone by US.

Obama favours same-sex marriage. Maybe. Personally I don't think Michelle will let him go without a struggle.

“Wapping offices must have been a very quiet place to work; nobody talked to anyone about anything.” (Katy Layton-Jones)

North Carolina voters decided today that marriage will stay between one man and his sister.

How has Osborne avoided Leveson? He must have given away an awful lot of wallpaper.

Plato said that those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber.

The Tories only call it class warfare when we fight back.

“I just heard Cameron say he inherited a broken economy. He did not. It was growing when he took it over and is not growing now. His fault.” (Professor David Blanchflower)

Founding Fathers were well-bred, well-fed, well-read and well-wed. The Tea Party is inbred, overfed, unread and shotgun wed.

Thatcher famously said every PM needs a Willie. Cameron obviously misunderstood her, because he's surrounded himself with dicks.

If a company isn't viable, directors and shareholders will milk it before dumping it. Cameron and co are doing the same to our country.

I find it ironic how many of those who complain about the EU being undemocratic support the Queen.

"Twitter is just a new home for old bores." (Will Self)

by **Ivan** Sat Jun 02, 2012 5:23 pm

Twitter asks if I want to follow Eric Pickles! How could it suggest that? If I wanted to follow an elephant’s backside, I’d go on a safari.

“They promised a recovery and they have delivered a double-dip recession.” (Professor David Blanchflower)

Never try to make your own bunting at home. You may start frothing at the mouth and demanding restoration of the empire.

Would you want to be operated on by a surgeon who inherited the job? Get a grip, folks!

William Hague has threatened to use his stupidest deep voice if the violence in Syria doesn't stop.

Either one thinks everyone's born equal or one doesn't. I don't see how that is hard to understand.

Little-known fact: Hunt is called the 'culture secretary' because he was grown in a lab from a swab of Cameron's ear.

It's not the monarchy that maintains social cohesion in the UK, it's the UK's social cohesion that maintains the monarchy.

“If I were going on holiday & wanted someone to feed the cat and water the garden, I wouldn't ask Osborne.” (Victoria Coren)

If everything was as predictable as Bank Holiday rain and Tories telling lies, the bookies would be bankrupt.

How many of us have as many alleged serious criminals in our circle of close friends as David Cameron?

“The price good men pay for indifference to public affairs is to be ruled by evil men.” (Plato)

If MPs were deselected for being incompetent, ignorant, self centered, sub intelligent, corrupt or banal, the Tory benches would be near deserted.

Sick of hearing how awful it is to stop work for the day in legitimate protest, but we can shut the country down for the royal family.

So the pasty tax was miraculously dropped a few days after the Tory Party received a £100k donation from Ginsters.

Who says men can't multi-task? Gove can be pompous, ingratiating, patronising and arrogant at the same time.

Cameron loves to parade on the world stage 'playing' at being the statesman, yet he obviously hasn’t got a bloody clue how to run things at home.

When poor people wrongly claim benefits, they are cheats and criminals. When politicians do it, it’s an oversight.

"Anyone who stops learning is old, whether at twenty or eighty." (Henry Ford)

The 'elite' of the Tory Party earn much for doing little, yet they expect nearly everyone else to work more and more for less or even nothing.

Gove's ‘free schools’ to take 2.6% of new schools budget with less than 0.1% of pupils.

DCMS warned Hunt not to get involved in BSkyB bid on 12 Nov. On 19 Nov, Hunt wrote memo on the deal to Cameron.

Why should any human being have fewer employment rights just because they work for a small employer or entrepreneur?

There are some differences between now and the 1930s. One is that back then the bankers had the decency to throw themselves from windows.

"I have never let my schooling interfere with my education." (Mark Twain)

Weakest employment rights in the EU, but that's not good enough for the Tories, who want us to be first in the race for the bottom.

When the Tories said they would get the banks working again, I didn't realise they meant food banks.

Did you hear that there's a group of South American Indians who worship the number zero? Is nothing sacred?

If we are going to make it easier to sack unwanted employees, perhaps we can start with Jeremy Hunt.

Not entirely sure killing buzzards to make life easier for pheasant shoots is a good idea for a government accused of being 'out of touch'.

Religion is the greatest thing ever thought up by man to control fear of the unknown.

I wonder if the Beecroft Report will now cite Adam Smith as a successful example of sacking an employee for the benefit of the company?

The two faces of the Tories on sport - embracing the Olympic Games while closing swimming pools.

"It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it." (Aristotle)

One comment to a journalist makes Vince Cable unfit, but 161 e-mails by Jeremy Hunt are OK.

"I'm not familiar with precisely what I said, but I stand by what I said, whatever it was." (Mitt Romney)

by oftenwrong Sat Jun 02, 2012 6:09 pm

"Little-known fact: Hunt is called the 'culture secretary' because he was grown in a lab from a swab of Cameron's ear."

An equally well-kept secret is the fact that the entire Parliamentary Tory Party resulted from an unfortunate encounter between two headless chickens.

by **Ivan** Tue Jul 17, 2012 3:18 pm

The same people who demanded to see Obama's birth certificate are defending Romney for not releasing his tax returns.

I don't usually buy ‘Cage Fighting World’, but this month you get a free packet of sweet pea seeds.

After less than a week of refusing to resign, Bob Diamond quit. And Jeremy Hunt whispered "lightweight" under his breath.

YouGov: Best Chancellor in last 30 years - Brown 20%, Lawson 10%, Clarke 7%, Major 6%, Howe 4%, Darling 3%, Lamont 2%, Osborne 1%.

Why is it, when people rob banks they go to prison, when banks rob people they get a bonus?

Being a Lib Dem voter must be like being halfway through a sandwich when you notice some blue mould.

Ashley Cole was asked if he found it uncomfortable to be associated with an alleged racist. "No, we're divorced now", he said.

Bob Diamond's resignation ends: "You have been charged a £30 administration fee for this letter". Old habits die hard.

It's never been a level playing field has it? But this government has taken no time at all in turning it into a very nasty slippery slope.

The G4S fiasco is yet another example of our fabulous efficient private sector having to be bailed out by the evil lazy public sector.

If Barack Obama cured cancer, the Republicans would accuse him of restricting the individual rights of cells to reproduce.

For the upper class, corporations are far more important than the human beings whose sweat builds them.

Scientists believe they have discovered the elusive Higgs Boson. Work continues on locating Nick Clegg's spine.

It’s hard to tell when Osborne makes a U-turn because he's forever going round in circles.

BBC can follow every centimetre of the Olympic torch's journey, but hardly gave any coverage of the privatisation of the NHS.

I'm a little tired of being lectured about 'entitlement' by a PM whose position in life was bought and paid for by the wealth of his parents.

It takes 7 years to train a GP. If there are more doctors in the NHS now, it isn’t because of this government.

Useful things can happen in the space between having opinions and being opinionated.

Cameron, who left his child in a pub, gives us lectures about family life. Yet he and his ilk sub-contract parenting to nannies and private schools.

Having a Conservative Minister for the Disabled is like having a butcher for lambs.

“Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber.” (Plato)

How ironic. Cameron, criticises the "something for nothing society." How much of your own personal wealth did you create, Dave?

Saw Carlos Tevez with the ‘RIP Fergie’ poster and thought the royal family had been up to no good with their in-laws!

BREAKING NEWS - Rupert Murdoch regrets hiring David Cameron as Prime Minister.

This Tory-led government, which introduced a fixed 5-year parliament for itself, wants to make it easier to fire people.

“Arbeit macht frei” - said in 1873 novel by Lorenz Diefenbach, placed at Auschwitz entrance in 1940, repeated in English by IDS in 2010.

We have a monarchy, an unelected House of Lords and a cabinet full of inherited wealth, yet Cameron talks of wanting to end "the culture of entitlement".

Yes, let's deregulate. Treating employees vaguely like human beings is what's holding this country back.

News: Police confirm naked man on London Bridge screaming "what does a guy have to do to get arrested in this town?" is Jeremy Hunt MP.

“To recommend thrift to the poor is both grotesque and insulting. It is like advising a man who is starving to eat less.” (Oscar Wilde)

by **Ivan** Sun Jul 29, 2012 1:38 pm

Problems with illegal immigrants go way back. Native Americans used to call them "white people".

“Don't do drugs kids! They make you see imaginary things! Like Louise Mensch seeing Cameron protecting the NHS!” (Adele Carlyon)

Olympic Breaking News............George Osborne passes a positive Dope Test.

Don't have a job? This government will demonise you. Stand up and fight to save your job? This government will demonise you.

BREAKING: Adam Smith says he was holding the bell when it flew off its handle and hit the woman and that Jeremy Hunt knew nothing about it.

"Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people." (Eleanor Roosevelt)

My son just asked me what a Conservative is, so I stole half his toys and gave them to the rich family next door.

Why is George Osborne still in his job? I thought he wanted to get rid of underperforming public sector workers?

Reason I hate the London Olympics is it gives the BBC and other TV news channels an excuse to ignore totally the evils being suffered!

Tax avoiders may be 'named and shamed' by HMRC. Couldn't they just publish the Tory Party donor list?

Everything that's wrong with the USA in just three 'Gs' - God, guns and the GOP.

"All that is necessary for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing." 18m people did not vote in the 2010 election, and we got the Tories.

Cameron's real reshuffle: Virgin to Health, G4S to Home Office, Wey to Education, News International to Culture, ATOS to DWP.

by **Ivan** Fri Aug 17, 2012 11:45 am

Mitt Romney's tax return is seeking asylum at the Ecuador Embassy.

Do you think Rupert Murdoch regrets having made Cameron Prime Minister as much as we regret having one of his hacks as Education Secretary?

Cannot be fair that millionaires who can afford limousines and chauffeurs get a 5% tax cut, yet train users get another big fare rise.

"Anyone who says they are not interested in politics is like a drowning man who insists he is not interested in water." (Mahatma Gandhi)

I get hope from activism and seeing people coming together against Tories. Tories hate people mobilising, they want them isolated.

91-year-old man taken to hospital "as a precautionary measure". Last week Tories told us more old people should be treated at home.

Had the South African batsmen been confronted with Onions at Lord's, they might well have ended up in tears.

As I grow older I grow saddened why anyone would ever vote Tory. I think it can only be a case of having different DNA.

Kinda wondering what William Hague would be saying if some South American state put a phalanx of police on the doorstep of a British Embassy.

"To keep silent when we should protest makes cowards of men." (Abraham Lincoln)

Virgin Care boss Graham Henderson is married to Tory Health Minister Ann Milton. Shame on the Tories for yet more sleaze.

The USA needs more women in government, not more government in women, GOP!

I thought we had a privatised rail industry? Why are we subsidising it while shareholders take the profits?

Distressed tourist rushed up to us today and said he'd just witnessed a robbery! We explained that petrol is always this expensive in the UK.

"The greatest tragedy in mankind's entire history may be the hijacking of morality by religion.” (Arthur C. Clarke)

Cameron’s idea of ‘The Big Society’ is that we all work for nought, we line the pockets of his buddies, while they take profits to off-shore accounts.

A Level results go up - exams are too easy. A Level results go down - schools are failing children.

Mitt Romney spokesperson says it's easy to confuse 'Sikh' with 'sheikh’. I suppose it's as easy as confusing 'Mormon' with 'moron’.

Never forget how multimillionaire Cameron claimed DLA for his late son, yet he prevents less well off people from claiming it now.

There might be a lot fewer wars if the politicians who declared them were expected to be on the front line throughout the entire conflict.

New poll suggests 110% of people would rather have Ozzy Osbourne as Chancellor of the Exchequer than George Osborne.

“Labour is not a socialist party, it's a party with socialists in it.” (Tony Benn)

If there was an award for laziness, I'd probably send someone to pick it up for me.

Why can’t someone with a minor 35-year-old criminal record stand for election as police commissioner, yet someone convicted of perjury can remain a lord?

I believe George Osborne is the man to steer us through recession. I also believe that Stevie Wonder should perform my laser eye surgery.

When people complain about 'multiculturalism', you usually find they're in favour of a well-behaved white monoculture that has never existed.

John Major was PM in 1996 when GB had its worst ever Olympics – after 17 years of Tory rule during which 10,000 playing fields were sold.

If capitalism rewarded hard work, innovation and risk, nurses, scientists and firefighters would be richer than bankers.

Trusting Tories with the NHS is like letting vampires babysit your kids.

by **Ivan** Thu Aug 23, 2012 9:37 pm

Thatcher was given half a million by convicted mega thief Nadir. She would have taken a tenner off Hitler if it suited.

Ladies, if a man says he will fix it, he will. There's no need to remind him every six months about it.

Tories say NHS is rubbish but then want to sell the brand and expertise overseas; they accuse sick and disabled of not wanting to work then shut Remploy.

"Religion is regarded by the common people as true, by the wise as false, and by rulers as useful." (Seneca)

It's good Philip is out of hospital, but awkward for the Queen: she's had his room repainted and put his stuff on eBay.

Iain Duncan Smith - a millionaire married to an aristocrat, who insults and sacks Remploy workers and robs the sick disabled and poor.

Took my girlfriend to a wine-tasting evening. The vintner said to her: “Do you spit or swallow?” She told him to mind his own business.

It is sickening to see the NHS being handed to marketing spivs who care not a jot for the patient and only care for a fast buck.

The Pussy Riot sentence is an outrage, but are we in a position to condemn? We sent a kid to prison for looting mineral water.

"If Thatcher has a state funeral, it will be the first with a 21-gun salute where they shoot the coffin.” (Frankie Boyle)

When I went for a visa to go to Australia they asked if I had a criminal record. I didn’t know you still needed one.

by **Ivan** Sat Sep 22, 2012 12:53 am

Clegg has gone from supporting free education for the young to compulsory workfare for them. Even Judas had the decency to hang himself.

Is there any Tory involved in the business of running this country who is neither a crook nor a thug, and who is competent to do their job?

The Annual Conference of Clairvoyants has been cancelled due to unforeseen circumstances.

Now that we've all learned our f*****g place, perhaps we can remember never to put an out-of-touch moron into No.10 ever again. If only. (Sonia Poulton)

Hey Clegg, I've just checked my birth certificate and I can confirm I wasn't born yesterday.

Thatcher decided that Britain's future power generation should rely on Russian gas rather than British coal mined by British miners.

Pictures of natives dancing around the royal couple in grass skirts - just in case anyone thought the world had moved on from colonialism.

If Nick Clegg is going to apologise for every bad thing the Lib Dems have done, YouTube had better install more memory.

Tories don't want educated people, they want obedient workers. People just clever enough to do the work and just dumb enough to accept low pay.

Richard III - 500 years in a wooden coffin. Talk about splinters of discontent.

My girlfriend wanted to do a Pilgrim/Native American role play, so I shot her dad and moved into his house.

David Cameron giving Paralympic gold medals with one hand, taking away disability benefits with the other. Touching...

"I've got a soft spot for Nick Clegg - face down on Hackney Marshes with my boot on his head." (Jo Brand)

"We should improve teacher training", says Gove. This is the man who says schools don't need to hire qualified teachers!

Vote Romney? Mormon bishop, gullible enough to be fooled by Joseph Smith – a charlatan as plausible as a Nigerian scam. (Richard Dawkins)

So David Laws is one of the Liberal Democrats’ intellectuals is he? Wonder if the Guild of Tel Aviv Pork Butchers has more members?

So it wasn't actually the Olympic Torch David Beckham was delivering on the speedboat, it was a box of Milk Tray to Katherine Jenkins.

"What is Toryism, but organised spivvery?" (Aneurin Bevan)

I wonder what first attracted 28-year-old Nur Nadir to her 71-year-old multimillionaire husband Asil?

George Osborne finally has a Plan B. It's actually the same as Plan A, but it’s been marked down by Michael Gove.

by **Ivan** Thu Sep 27, 2012 9:30 pm

Mitt Romney was born with a silver spoon in his mouth. But it had to be removed quickly to make room for his foot.

"Clegg declared that if people wanted protest not power they should vote Labour, which most are apparently already doing." (Peter McHugh)

Right-wing media in Britain says Chavez government "squanders billions of dollars of oil revenues" - would that be on social programmes?

Awkward moment for Romney in Colorado - a homeless guy asked him for a dollar, but all he had was some Swiss francs.

Eric Pickles is "proud to be a pleb"? Since when did it mean odious fat bastard?

Nick Clegg says: "The past is gone and is not coming back." Why isn't this man a rocket scientist with that brain?

Romney said he'd create 12 million jobs in his first term. He hasn’t said yet whether he’d create them in China or India.

The sign outside Liverpool John Lennon Airport has just been amended to read: "Above us only sky ... and below us only QPR and Reading."

When Nick Clegg suggests something like a wealth tax, do you think the Tories laugh in his face, or do they wait till he's left the room?

Romney says marriage should be between one man and one woman. His grandfather believed it should be between one man and five women.

"What greater sign could there be of a government with its priorities wrong than one which gives tax breaks to millionaires & P45s to nurses?” (Andy Burnham)

John Terry has retired from international football to spend more time with the wives of his team mates.

Tories - party for whom tax avoidance, NHS privatisation & ATOS judgments are just fine, but being asked to use another gate? Furious.

When Romney visited a firehouse in New York, he was disappointed when he learned that it wasn't where you get to fire people.

Christians were originally referred to as atheists in the Roman Empire because they didn’t believe in polytheism.

Dear Rick Perry: Jesus didn't say "forgive us our trespasses, as we lethally inject those who trespass against us”.

A 'Cledge' is a promise you'll never keep, nor ever believe you'll have to. (Emily Thornberry)

Recent hurricanes have been so strong I'm surprised they haven't blown some of Romney's money back into the USA.

by **Ivan** Sat Oct 13, 2012 3:37 pm

This government is like carbon monoxide poisoning. Most people won't even realise what's being done to them until it's too late.

Right-wing Christians who condemn homosexuality as “unnatural” should ask themselves how natural virgin births and resurrections are.

“Cameron says work is the only way out of poverty. He neglects to mention that most households in poverty are working households.” (Owen Jones)

With all due respect (and that’s not much), Grant Shapps has a striking resemblance to a get rich quick dot com entrepreneur.

"The greatest risk for violent extremists in Pakistan isn't American drones. It's educated girls.” (Nick Kristof)

“BBC says unless Con Dems continue with austerity “Britain will have no future”. What? We'll disappear if we start being fair to sick people?” (Sonia Poulton)

Dave's right. The Tories “don't preach class war”, they practise it.

Nye Bevan on the Tories: "If you are selling shoddy stuff, you have to be a good salesman."

Mitt Romney and Jeremy Hunt’s abortion position – both are staunchly pro-life but don’t give a damn once you’re born.

It's nurses who keep you safe hourly when you are in hospital, and we have 5,000 fewer thanks to Cameron.

“If liberty means anything at all, it means the right to tell people what they do not want to hear.” (George Orwell)

Aspiration Britain: Aspire to everything, attain nothing, as everything is being rapidly stolen by a corporatist, fascist state.

The austerity drive in Britain isn’t really about debt and deficits; it’s about using deficit panic as an excuse to dismantle social programmes.

Jeremy Hunt lecturing Labour on the NHS. Next up, Hannibal Lecter on vegetarianism.

“Religions are like fireflies. They require darkness in order to shine.” (Arthur Schopenhauer)

Labour's borrowing paid for schools, roads etc. Tory borrowing just pays for people to be out of work.

“Boris talked about the “age of excess under Labour” - after calling for £80 billion to be spent on a new airport in the Thames.” (Adam Bienkov)

“I told Grayling (a vacuous dial-a-prejudice populist) in the Commons that he was the arsenic replacing old lace” (Paul Flynn MP)

Sod a leadership challenge, I want to see Boris Johnson and Cameron on Jeremy Kyle talking about their Oxford thuggery.

I wonder if the Tories are discussing culling the poor as well as badgers?

"The Tories always hold the view that the state is for the protection of the swag of the property owners." (Nye Bevan)

If you’re worried that having too many children might lose you benefits, Cameron will probably advise you to leave one in a pub.

If Osborne ran a failing pie shop, his plan wouldn't be more sales, marketing, innovation or quality; he'd just remove the fillings.

“Should have aborted this government after 12 weeks.” (Fiona Phillips)

"We don't practise class war" says head of government of private-school-educated millionaires making big cuts to public services for the poor. (Mehdi Hasan)

If there is a god who made this brilliant universe, trust me he would not need nor ask our obedience/faith.

“'We'll end something for nothing culture' say Tory rich boys who inherited wealth and claimed disability benefits they didn't need.” (Sonia Poulton)

“A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing.” (Joey Adams)

Jeremy Hunt has given G4S a £13 million NHS contract, despite their Olympics fiasco. Wonder if their £400k in donations to Tory Party helped?

Would like to know what the hell Tories are playing at planning yet more welfare cuts. What idiots vote for this cruel party?

Next time Tories try to whip up anti-union hate, remember TUC secured paid leave, weekends off, maternity leave, safety in workplace.

A Republican member of the House Committee on Science, Paul Broun, has dismissed evolution as a “lie straight from the pit of hell”.

“We've studied the evidence and concluded Jeremy Hunt 's tenure as Health Secretary should be reduced from 24 months to 12 hours.” (Piers Morgan)

The Tories claim they are “making the hard decisions for Britain”. Such as how much money to give to their cronies in tax cuts.

“You actually really never stop loving somebody. You just learn how to live without them in your life.” (Marilyn Monroe)

The Tories are not for ‘one nation’. They believe in social cleansing in inner London and victimising the disabled, pensioners and unemployed.

“Most conservatives would rather have a white president who lies, than a black president who tells the truth.” (pari_passu)

A top Tory "thinker" believes public sector workers who are sacked will decide to vote Tory! Run that past me again.

“If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're misinformed.” (Mark Twain)

As Ed Balls says, following WW2 we had a deficit twice as large as the one we have today, yet we created the NHS, council houses and welfare.

“Can we have a 12 week limit on Jeremy Hunt opening his mouth again? Cannot believe Cameron made this man Health Secretary.” (John Prescott)

Why wasn’t Abu Hamza’s appeal against extradition on health grounds referred to ATOS? They’d have declared him fit as he walked in the door.

"David Cameron is taking more money from the disabled than he is from the banks." (Yvette Cooper)

by **Ivan** Sun Oct 28, 2012 12:32 am

Cameron may not want prisoners to have the vote, but most of them have done less damage to this country than him and his Tory spivs.

Admit it Mitt, your grandpa lived in Mexico because he was a polygamist and couldn't live in the USA. Yet Obama's family is suspect?

“We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.” (Aesop)

Felix Baumgartner is already lining up his next big challenge......getting Andrew Mitchell to tell the truth.

Severe bug breaks out at the first privatised NHS hospital after Tory hedge fund moguls sack 50% of cleaners.

Only in America can gun ownership be a right and healthcare be a privilege.

Cameron is so slimy and so mired in filth that he wouldn't come clean if thrown in a washing machine.

“Hope is the fuel of progress. Fear is a prison into which we confine ourselves.” (Tony Benn)

The Abrahamic god is undoubtedly the worst genocidal maniac that has never existed.

My doctor said I have to spend 30 mins every day doing something to raise my pulse and leave me breathless. So I’ve taken up reading ‘The Daily Mail’.

“When I get a little money, I buy books; and if any is left, I buy food and clothes.” (Erasmus, 1529)

Poor old Mitchell's walked the plank, he's only got himself to thank, for though your cool may start to ebb, you can't call Mr. Plod a pleb.

Osborne expects first class seat, while Wandsworth’s Tory council refuses disabled parking badge for woman with terminal cancer.

New word for the dictionary: ‘testiculating’ – waving your arms around and talking bollocks.

“Only very slowly and late have men come to realise that unless freedom is universal it is only extended privilege.” (Christopher Hill)

After Cameron's behaviour at PMQT, I was wondering if it's time for a new reality TV show called 'Toffs Throwing Tantrums'?

This is what I think about abortion. I think as I'll never experience pregnancy, I should probably avoid preaching to women about it.

Tories are the party for whom tax avoidance, NHS privatisation & ATOS judgments are just fine, but being asked to use another gate? No way!

Danny Finklestein writes leaders for ‘The Times’; he also wrote Osborne’s conference speech. ‘The Times’ praised Osborne the next day - he wrote that too!

If suicide risk is a deciding factor for the Home Secretary, why isn't it for the Minister for Work and Pensions?

Cameron promised us "transparency" in the election, and yes, most of us can see right through him.

by **Ivan** Wed Nov 21, 2012 11:37 am

The American president is chosen by an electoral college. The UK government is chosen by Eton college.

"Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich." (Napoleon)

Why do Lib Dems support Obama in US but Cameron in UK? That’s like betting on Spurs to win whilst wearing an Arsenal shirt!

Cameron saw an 'A & E Department' on a photo shoot in a hospital recently. He thought it stood for arse and elbow.

To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior'.

The word ‘politics’ comes from the Latin ‘poli’, meaning ‘many’, and ‘tics’, meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’.

George Osborne would be out of his depth in a car park puddle. If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you’d be entitled to some change.

The richest 225 people in the world have as much income as the world's poorest 4 billion.

“We all know Downton Abbey is a costume drama; the Tories think it’s a fly-on-the-wall documentary.” (Ed Miliband)

Labour man on his deathbed announced he'd become a Tory. When his friend asked why, he said "I'd rather one of theirs died than one of ours."

Give a Tory a problem and 'privatisation' is always the answer. When that fails it’s because we didn’t privatise enough.

"I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting." (Ronald Reagan)

Foster parents will have to pay the bedroom tax but parents of pupils at boarding schools like Eton won't.

During the so-called 'brain drain' after World War Two, not a single politician left the UK..........

Phil Woolas had to leave the House of Commons for lying in his 2010 election leaflet. So how come there are still Tories and Lib Dems in there?

“To know what people really think, pay regard to what they do, rather than what they say.” (Descartes)

“Gold-plated public pensions a media myth for most ... the average local council pension this year is £4,406.” (John Healey MP)

The new Archbishop of Canterbury says he feels privileged. As an Old Etonian and former oil magnate, that doesn't really come as a surprise.

Tories don’t need a cabinet, just that chap from ‘Flog It’ and a weekly TV slot: “Next item – a nice health centre at a knock down price.”

Nice of Cameron to come home for two minutes' silence - after wearing a poppy while flogging weapons to Middle Eastern despots.

There is a very easy way to return from a casino with a small fortune: go there with a large one.

If the NHS is supposed to be safe in Tory hands, let’s hope they never take up juggling.

by **Ivan** Thu Dec 06, 2012 10:38 am

To show his gratitude to soldiers who served in Afghanistan, Cameron is planning to let them go to the front of the queue in Job Centres.

Did you know Eric Pickles is one of the few things on earth that can be seen from the moon?

I spend years telling readers that doomsday isn't coming in 2012 and then idiot George Osborne comes along with his autumn statement.

I hope Tory MPs enjoyed watching Nadine Dorries getting voted out of "I'm A Celeb". It was like a little dress rehearsal for them in 2015.

“So in short, economic bloodletting hasn't worked so we'll do more of it and add bit of environmental destruction too.” (Caroline Lucas)

I'm embracing the hereditary principle. My plumber is busy so he's sending his son to fix my boiler. No dafter than a hereditary head of state.

The only way the Tories will ever shorten dole queues is if they make the claimants stand closer together.

“If Osborne was a doctor at my bedside insisting that I was recovering, I'd expect the next visit to be the priest giving me the last rites.” (David Lammy)

British Prime Minister Rupert Murdoch rejects the main recommendation of Lord Leveson, according to his spokesperson David Cameron.

It's good the Tories are raising the motorway speed limit to 80mph. People will be able to get to the jobs they don't have even faster.

Indignorance is a feverish state of impotent, ill-informed outrage afflicting ‘Daily Mail’ readers.

Cameron did intend to move Eric Pickles in his recent reshuffle, but even with the entire cabinet pushing it proved impossible.

Elephant in the room is press ownership. Until that's broken up we don't have a free press, we have a bought press.

The Tories have certainly been clamping down on people who don't pay tax - the elderly, the disabled and the unemployed.

When Cameron said he was "going to do the right thing for the country" at the EU summit in Brussels, I assumed he was going to resign.

Cameron's dismissal of Leveson is his first payment to the press for support at next election and for ignoring wrong policies.

If I had a pound for each time Cameron said he was going to sort out the UK's problems, I'd be rich enough to live under a Tory government.

Next time the Nasty Party talk of “waste of taxpayers’ money”, remind them of the PPC elections.

“It would seem David Cameron's address is no longer 10 Downing Street: it's now Flat 2, Rupert Murdoch's arse.” (Stephen Fry)

IDS thinks it's unreasonable for anyone to receive more than £35,000 p.a. from the state, yet he claimed £98,000 in expenses last year.

by **Ivan** Wed Dec 12, 2012 11:51 pm

In the English language, two or more cheetahs are known as a coalition. It's the same in politics as well.

By living in Downing Street, George Osborne is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

"I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away." (Phyllis Diller)

Q: What do Lib Dems and students have in common? A: Both on a course for 3-4 years that they'll be paying for for the rest of their lives.

‘The Sun’ is outraged by a prank with unintended circumstances, but was quiet about its sister paper's intended hacking of a murdered girl.

David Cameron says we all have to pull together. What he means is that he wants a firm flush to finally send Britain down the toilet.

Q: What's the difference between a plastic surgeon and Michael Gove? A: One tucks the features up....

"Class warfare has been going on for the last twenty years, and my class won." (Warren Buffett)

Cameron told journalists his daughter nudged him to vote for Will Young in ‘Pop Idol’. But his daughter was born two years after Young won!

"When I see a person living in a cardboard box or a pensioner who can't manage, I see a victim of market forces.” (Tony Benn)

Osborne hasn't got a 'Plan B' for the economy because it would involve two areas where he's vulnerable - economics and the alphabet.

Kate is under doctor’s orders to rest. How will she tell the difference from her normal life? It's not like she's got hoovering to do.

If work is such a marvellous thing, the rich would have kept more of it for themselves.

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." (Paul Hornung)

It’s a standard Tory lie that the rich pay more if you ask them for less! 50% income tax rate would yield £2.7 billion.

"Mrs Thatcher surprised everyone by buying a house in Dulwich, instead of moving to Bolivia with the rest of the Nazis." (Jo Brand)

When Cameron and Osborne went in a pub with a labrador, people came to stare. A rumour had spread that there was a dog with two arses.

When I tried to get hold of a copy of the 2010 Lib Dem manifesto, I was told: "Sorry, but we've sold out."

If George Osborne missed the number 66 bus, he'd probably take the number 33 bus twice.

Anyone at Starbucks who thinks we'll be placated because they've opted to pay £20m tax needs to wake up and smell.......(I didn't say it!)

Q: What’s the difference between Osborne and Scrooge? A: One is a selfish, avaricious git, the other is a fictitious Dickens character.

Francis Maude, a member of a government that sacked over 1,000 Remploy workers, criticises nurses for lack of compassion and human kindness!

Cameron and Osborne conveniently forget that in 2007-8 they were promising to match Labour's spending plans.

“Is there anything more repellant than a gang of millionaire politicians trying to turn poor people against each other?” (Owen Jones)

Mr Osborne, who earns £134,565 and has a £4 million trust fund, said he was "sharing the nation’s pain".

Never be afraid to do what's right. Society's punishments are small compared to the wounds we inflict on our soul when we look the other way.

"If a rich man wants to help the poor, he should pay his taxes gladly, not dole out money at a whim." (Clement Attlee)

If I was to stand at a checkout in Tesco and nick food from wheelchair users, I would, rightly, be arrested. Osborne is doing just the same.

"Advocates of capitalism believe the fortunate must not be restrained in the exercise of tyranny over the unfortunate." (Bertrand Russell)

George Osborne’s argument seems to be: “I’m taking £6 a week off those earning £10,000 a week but only £5 off those on £75 benefits.”

Religious arguments against gay adoption are undermined slightly by the fact that Christ had two dads.

“Rather than abolish the deficit by 2015, UK will now have the worst deficit in the Western world by 2015.” (Fraser Nelson)

Will and Kate's early pregnancy worries continue as they discover maternity and paternity benefits will only rise by 1% for the next three years.

“On the day millionaires get a £100k tax cut, the small print says Osborne is cutting maternity pay.” (Tom Watson)

The Liberal Democrat MPs are likely, out of self interest, to insist that job centres aren't axed by the Tories before the next election.

"My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met." (Henny Youngman)

If I had a quid for each time Cameron said he was going to sort out the UK's problems, I'd be rich enough to live under a Tory government

“While the media spends a fourth day attacking Aussie DJs - who's arresting George Osborne for fiddling expenses?” (Sonia Poulton)

The only hope now for the Tories is the personality cult – maybe a blonde Aryan to dupe the public. Anyone on the horizon?

“Fascism should more appropriately be called corporatism because it is a merger of state and corporate power.” (Benito Mussolini)

I spent years telling people that doomsday wasn't coming in December 2012, and then along comes George Osborne with his autumn statement.

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